Laid to Rest
by Crystalia82
Summary: A parody of the Kagome, Inuyasha, Kikyou triangle. Rated for language, sexual innuendoes, Miroku, and very bad puns. 1-25-05 Edited


Disclaimer: I own very little, Inuyasha and Co are not among my assets.

Laid to Rest

Crystalia82

It was a lovely day in Sengoku Jidai. The sun was shining, flowers were blooming, birds were singing, and lovers were…quarrelling?

"OSUWARI, OSUWARI, OSUWARI, OSUWARI! Inuyasha, you called me Kikyou! While we were..while we were being intimate.. How could you do such a thing??" Kagome stormed off from the Inuyasha-shaped crater in the ground. "I've never felt so humiliated!"

"Ackkk, Bitch!"

"OSUWARI!!!!"

Miroku took this moment to step in, "Kagome-sama, perhaps it was just an honest mistake. You have yet to hear Inuyasha's side." He then gave her the Innocent Smile, the guaranteed never to fail trick he saved only for desperate situations.

Kagome stopped in her tracks, "You're right. What is your side of the story, Inuyasha?" Her aura settled for a moment, the flames calming down to a nice pissed off shade of red. "I'm waiting…" She tapped her foot while the dog boy climbed out of his crater.

"Well.. You are Kikyou's reincarnation, your bodies look the same. I just forgot who I was with." Inuyasha folded his arms, as he mentally checked his last statement. _Oh fuck…_

Miroku shook his head and left, _this is going to be bad.. She's going to kill him. Maybe I should get the shovel ready for the grave. On second thought, he's going to be sat so much all we'll have to do is fill in the crater._ Happier now that his workload had been freed a bit, he went in search of Sango.

Inuyasha waited for Kagome's wrath, but had yet to see it. She was looking away, with her head down, and she seemed to be shaking. "Kagome?" He called quietly. "Don't cry, Kagome." He sniffed the air, _I don't smell tears, though. What could she be.._ His thoughts were interrupted as a loud maniacal laugh tore through the air. His demon senses tingled, all screaming "Run Away!!"

Kagome twirled around, flames dancing in her eyes, laughing hysterically all the while. "Inuyasha…"

He braced himself for the sits he knew were coming.

"Inuyasha, go fuck yourself!!!! And, fuck Kikyou! If you want that damn corpse so badly then go find her and let her take you into hell. I don't care any more! Good luck with her, I'll bet Urasai didn't even build her anatomically correct. Why would you give a clay doll a pussy? No, better yet, I hope she is anatomically correct. I hope she has a nice big cock! Ha! It wouldn't take much to be bigger than yours. Ha Ha HAAA!" She stormed off towards the woods, still screaming. "Maybe I'll go find your brother. I'll bet he's way more of a man than you. Baka!!!"

Inuyasha grinned as her screaming faded from his hearing. He looked down the path of scorched earth, "At least she'll be easy to find...later..once she's cooled down. If she cools down." Inuyasha could not believe his luck. He hadn't really listened to everything she had yelled, but he was sure of two things. _She didn't sit me! AND, she told me to go fuck Kikyou. Hmm..what was she saying about a pussy and a cock? _He wasn't too sure about what a cat and a chicken had to do with sex, but he pushed it out of his mind. Sometimes he worried about Kagome's world.. With that he started off to find the corpse, err..Kikyou.

It only took a few minutes to locate Kikyou's mixed scent of earth and death. Fueled by the prospect of sex, Inuyasha flew through the forest. "Kik…Kikyou," he whispered landed in front of her.

The woman looked up from the soul she was absorbing and studied Inuyasha's face. "You have come to your senses, I see. Are you here to come with me to Hell?"

Inuyasha hesitated, "ummmm, noooo. Nope, didn't come for Hell."

"Then why are you here?"

"Well, Kagome told me to come fu….err, make love with you." _Whew..that__ was a close one. It wouldn't do to have both of them pissed off at me.._

"So you aren't going to come to Hell with me?" She thought a moment, trying to decide whether it was worth it or not. _I'll just drag him to Hell after we have sex. It's a win-win situation. _"Alright, Inuyasha. Let's do it."

Inuyasha grinned and pounced onto the clay woman, throwing his clothes off midair. Time passed by, and Inuyasha was lost in the thrall of sex. The part of his mind that was working could only note that Kikyou was screaming his name.

Only slightly known to Inuyasha, Kikyou had been screaming, but it was not from pleasure. "Inuyasha!! You are cracking my body! Inuyasha!! You Bastard!!! DAMN YOU INUYASHA!! I'LL TAKE YOU TO HELLLLLLLLLLL!!!!" Kikyou's threat died, literally, as her body shattered.

Inuyasha rolled off of Kikyou, not noticing her state of disarray. He opened his eyes and suddenly became aware that he was holding her breast in his hand. Holding her breast…that was not connected to her body. _Hmmm, that's odd. "_Umm..Kikyou, I don't know how to tell you this, but.."It was then that he looked over to the shattered remains of Kikyou's body. _Whoops!_ He quickly gathered his things and fled the scene.

Inuyasha hurried to the only person he could think of to ask for advice. "Oy, Miroku. Take a look at these.." He shimmied his chest at Miroku, holding the remainders of Kikyou's breasts.

"Wow, those are nice.." With that he reached up and grabbed hold of Inuyasha's new breasts. _Hmmm…let's see, this size, feel, texture… These are…_ "INUYASHA! These are Kikyou's breasts!"

"Yeah…I kind of…broke her."

"Let me see those." Miroku inspected the fine ceramic work. "Urasai really makes high quality ceramics."

"No shit.."

"So what actually happened?" Miroku listened patiently, stroking the left ceramic breast, as Inuyasha recounted the story.

"Kikyou is officially dead?" Miroku asked, still stroking the breast.

"MmHmm."

"So you might say that the two of you _broke_ up?" Miroku grinned.. "Did she fall to pieces on you? I guess you really fucked her senseless.." Now holding his sides, from laughing. "You really shattered her body with pleasure, then. Kikyou-sama was definitely _laid_ to rest."

Inuyasha slapped his forehead then shook his head.. "Riiight…are you done?"

Miroku composed himself. "Ok, I'm done, lady killer.." HAHAHAhahahahaa…

Inuyasha knocked him on the head, "Oy, monk. What am I supposed to tell Kagome? And if you say laid to rest again, I'm going to beat you senseless."

Miroku wiped away the tears that formed in his eyes from laughing so hard. "Ahh, yes. What to tell the girlfriend about killing the ex? Yes, this is a delicate matter. But, there is a simple solution."

"Yes..." He glared impatiently at the monk.

"Well, you might start by putting Kikyou's breasts away. I don't think that would calm her down any. In fact, I could take them for you.."

Bonking Miroku on the head, Inuyasha muttered, "Lech.."

"I was only trying to help a friend in need. I _am_ a monk…" He grinned mischievously as he continued. "Just tell Kagome-sama the truth."

"WHAT?? Are you trying to get me killed?"

"By truth, I mean the partial truth. Tell Kagome-sama that Kikyou tried to drag you into hell, and you killed her. Then tell her that the details are irrelevant because you don't want to think about Kikyou anymore. You may have to confess your love, as well. Under no circumstances whatsoever, are you to mention ANYTHING about having sex with Kikyou. Avoid the topic, by any means necessary."

Inuyasha nodded, soaking in the advice. "Okay, I'm ready. Thanks monk."

Miroku noted which direction he sped off towards. _This is going to be a great show. I should charge admission.._

Inuyasha found Kagome storming off from the direction of Sesshoumaru's castle.

Kagome was grumbling to herself, "Some demon lord, can't even get it up… I thought he was omnipotent, not impotent."

Inuyasha blocked out that last statement, praying that he would never have to hear anything like that ever again.

"Inu...Inuyasha?" Kagome looked up, startled, to see Inuyasha standing in front of her.

"Kag…Kagome.." They stared at each other, both waiting for the other to make the next move.

The hour they stood, repeating each other's name with a stutter, gave Miroku enough time to gather a small audience and snacks. Situated comfortably within hearing range, he explained the back-story and what was now happening to the captive audience.

"Kag…Kagome. Kik…Kikyou is dead."

"You just now figured that out?" Kagome glared at him.

"No, I mean she is really dead. Gone for good.

"What?" She continued her glare, _does he expect me to comfort him?? Right, dog boy..that's going to happen. I might as well go back to Lord Limpy._

"Kikyou tried to drag me to Hell, and I killed her. I've made my choice, to be with you." He coughed a little, "and, I love you."

Kagome's mouth dropped open wide, "WHAT?"

Inuyasha opened his mouth to repeat what he had said, as Kagome started running at him. He instinctively covered his head, preparing for an attack. "Kagome?" She jumped onto him.

"Oh Inuyasha! I'm glad! I thought that it was just Sesshoumaru's limp…err, I thought that it was Sesshoumaru's attitude that had boosted my anger, but it was just the hatred from Kikyou's part of my soul returning. You killed Kikyou to choose me, that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.. How did it happen?"

Inuyasha waited for her to take a breath, worried that her lungs might implode from that last paragraph. Remembering Miroku's words "Avoid the topic, by any means necessary…." He covered Kagome's mouth with a kiss and tackled her to the ground.

Miroku stood, facing his audience. "This concludes the R version of our show. Everyone under the age of 18 please exit to your right." Pointing at the small fox, "that means you, Shippoh." Once the kitsune was out of sight, he turned to Sango, "Shall we?" The couple snuggled close, as they watched Kagome flipped Inuyasha onto his back, pinning him to the ground. Miroku grinned, thinking to himself. _Ahh, another satisfied customer._

El Fin.


End file.
